This journal entry is not about gay rights or being left, right or center or anything like that. What this is about is being who you are and accepting it. I write that to remind myself. It’s not a reason for my alcohol abuse but I do think it’s one of the excuses for it. I lived a lie about being straight for 40 years and I think that contributed to my addiction to alcohol.
There were many reasons why I was in such denial about being homosexual. There was my family, my own beliefs and faith and fear of the consequences of admitting it. There was also the fear of the hurt it would cause, first and foremost my ex-wife.
I convinced myself, friends, co-workers and family that I was “normal.” I grew up with girlfriends and was with my ex-wife for 16 years. I can’t help but believe that those closest to me knew. The signs were there, seen, excused away or even just ignored.
By living that lie for so long I felt as if the alcohol helped me live that lie. The alcohol was in-and-of itself lie, but I figured it was the less of the two lies. No, I have to take that back. I didn’t think either was a lie. First was convincing myself that I’m straight and then was the lie that I wasn’t an addict and I truly believed both. Being attracted to men, I had convinced myself, was the lie. Being an alcoholic had to be the lie.
With alcohol I could more easily fit in with the straight folks I knew. I learned the “locker room” talk. I learned how and when to talk and comment about beautiful women and attributes straight guys like. My ex-wife is beautiful and I still love her greatly. Yet I had to hide that no matter how beautiful, strong, caring, considerate, passionate, etc. she is I was living a lie that I convinced myself of and passed that lie into my best friend’s life. Eventually even the alcohol wasn’t enough to cover the false life I had been living but it sure did the trick for a great many years.
She knew I had issues, including being a drunk, and we tried therapy, couples counseling. I went through a 12 month IOP (intensive outpatient) rehab program in an attempt to get sober. The problem is whenever I was sober the reality of my sexuality would start to break down the defensive wall I had built to be straight.
I did and still do love her. How could I tell her that I’m attracted to men and not women? That I’m not sexually attracted to the strong and beautiful woman I married. To whom I vowed to love and be with her only for as long as I lived. How could I tear the woman I convinced I was in love with in half? How could I keep my best friend after tearing her heart out, put it through the meat grinder, hand it back to her and ask to still be friends?
The answer to that question was simple. Alcohol. The drinking escalated, the lies compounded and I kept trying to “power through.” My sexual comments about women escalated as overcompensation for my realization as to what was happening and what I knew. Alcohol…
Eventually even the alcohol couldn’t hide myself, but I still tried. Then once I was finally honest with her and the therapy and counseling intensified, guess what happened? Oh, and the first two guesses don’t count. I drank even more. Lied more. Tried to hide more. I hadn’t hit rock bottom yet, but was reaching terminal velocity.
Once COVID hit and lock-down happened and I lost my job I just handed alcohol more fuel to the fire of lies. My life being turned upside down wasn’t alcohol. It was coming out as gay. It was COVID. It was everything except alcohol. How could it be, after all alcohol is my supportive and caring friend helping me though things. I even let alcohol convince that I needed to fully explore my new life as gay and… explored that sexuality. It was scary but exciting, after all I was a virgin until 26 years old and with my fiancé.
Eventually I found the bottom of the rabbit hole I was going down and I hit bottom. Even then and as I write this I still realize I’m on my third rehab attempt to get sober. My life is still a bit of a mess. I’m still unemployed and bills are mounting. Can I stay sober when I get out of here?
COVID, divorce, finding myself, living a lie; these are all things that alcohol tells me why I need it. But that’s backwards. Alcohol needs me a lot more than I need it.