As I’ve been going through the rehab process for the third time, there’s one of my thought challenges to face – being vulnerable without alcohol.
During this process I thought one of the main reasons for going to the bottle was so I could feel, feel human. I’ve suppressed my emotions for so long as a defense mechanism, I thought I stopped feeling altogether without alcohol.
I’m learning that a lot of my triggers are actually emotion based, which shocked the shit out of me.
In Group I’ve started to open up and speak up and be vulnerable. I’ve always thought that would just be a sign of weakness that everyone would attack me with. My junk, toxic, alcohol controlled brain still tries to convince me that’s the truth, but it’s the lie.
I know that I can be strong and yet vulnurable, open and honest. I also know there are supports, in and out of rehab groups, that have my back and support my recovery.
My anxiety doesn’t help matters, but I’m also working with the PA, MD and nurses to find the right balance with meds to help with that. I know no magic pill exists to just fix everything but for me, taking the correct and helpful meds also is showing and being vulnerable. It means that I’m not completely dependent and still am relying on substances to manage my life. As a recovering alcoholic part of me wants to just go back to what has “worked,” alcohol, instead of the prescription meds.
However, I know that what “working” really wasn’t and allowing myself to open to the fact that vulnerability is a strength – even if I have to take meds.