During this in-patient stay, to get my addiction into remission, I get excited but I also get apprehensive.
I know that relief is possible and that’s exciting, but it’s also a scary thought. It’s hard to imagine dealing with life without alcohol. I think it’s stupid that I’ve become so dependent/used to alcohol just to get through what “normies” deal with every day.
As excited as I get at the thought, it scares the shit out of me. I’ve been running from reality for so long – it’s a weird dynamic between object error and excitement of getting free.
I mean a bad traffic day, a rough day at work, financial worries, family issues, etc. Everyone deals with them, what do I do without alcohol? I have to deal with those stressors head on? One-on-one? I always had an ally. I had backup. I guess I do still, if I let Him, huh? Has He forsaken me? He can’t forgive what hasn’t been asked forgiveness for. Oh, off topic I guess.
I’ve been reading on what some call Mind Traps. Where my fears, doubts and worries overwhelm my thinking and I can very much relate to so many of them. I can give into temptation. Am I just an alcoholic? Am I just gay? … You know I held off a wife of 11 years trying to be straight. 40 years of my life, I guess I know how to hide who and what I am. I’m sorry Sweety. I guess it all had to come out at some point.
Anyway, I’ve also been learning about how my ego and Mind Traps are connected. If I keep working on and learning how to challenge those traps and not just give into my alcoholic voice then I think I can get more excited than scared about sobriety.