I don’t know how it is, for other alcoholics, but I lost so much weight over the past several years. Yes, a divorce and accepting yourself and the stress, blame, frustration can do that, but damn. I’m a toothpick from what I was. I guess I was either hung over, dehydrated, nauseous, had the shakes, unable to stand without my heartrate shooting up into the high 190’s or low 200’s. Some or all of the above just stopped me from eating. My recent acknowledgement of being gay and getting a divorce after 11 years of marriage and 16 years together… it all probably contributed to my not eating. Absolutely none of my pants and/or shorts fit without suspenders or a belt sinched so tight it’s painful.
This time though treatment though, I can tell I’m putting a lot more effort into my recovery. I’m actually eating three full meals a day where before I would, maybe, eat once per day. I’ve actually gone back for seconds a few times so far.
I really think this journaling thing is helping but that’s for another journal entry – don’t want to get off topic.
It just feels weird eating normally again, after so long. From what I’ve been reading a healthy diet is an important step in the physical aspect of recovery, including helping the brain to heal.
Another thing I’ve noticed is that I get that natural “high” again when I eat. It’s pleasurable again. I’m really looking forward to cooking again when I get back home, however it’s a bit scarry ’cause I would normally drink while in the kitchen.
So that in-and-of itself is a trigger and yet something I can’t avoid or just walk away from. I have to eat. At this point it’s the trigger I fear the most, but again I can’t not cook ’cause I can’t afford to eat out still being unemployed.
I’m definitely going to be praying for all my willpower, new tools and God’s help on this one.