Letter To Myself
To myself, my ego,
Life has not left you behind – you have. You may have lost your job because of COVID, but you still don’t have a new one because of yourself: self-doubt; fear; anxiety; making a mistake; alcohol.
You want to be in control so you can’t get hurt, but you don’t responsibility. You want to be able to blame others. You give control as a failure is “their” fault and a relationship, friendship or even romantic, it’s still “their” lack of trust and not yours.
The need to be liked and loved is so self-destructive that you give more than you have, not in time, afford, money or of yourself. You “buy” your friendships through money – your own sign of success. This also allows you to keep others at arms length so when things go south you’re guarded from the pain. It’s not your fault, not personal fault, it’s the fault of the economy. So there’s no pain if you can’t continue to provide.
You’re abandonment is your own doing and that makes me angry, but also sad for you. You are the reason for my anxiety around people. You are why I put up the walls and the guard. You are the reason why I don’t believe people when I get a compliment. You are the reason why I don’t even know how to that said compliment.
You do have a compassionate side of yourself, but I feel that’s only on your terms and for selfish reasons. The ends don’t justify the means. You want to help others but I feel that is only so you can control the situation and make sure if the friendship ends that it’s on your terms.
You are only loyal to yourself – you just pretend loyalty to others as yet another form of control. It’s still another form to get praise and validation from those you use. You just try and control everything and everyone around you.
I want to love you, but I don’t like you. This “me” has to be let go. You did protect me, in a way, for a while but its time to say goodbye. It will take time and work on my part, but it’s time.
You make me think everything bad isn’t my fault and when something good happens it’s because I deserve it. You hide your inflated ego under the guise of compassion and you make me fill guilty ad narcistic when I generally help or want to help.
Without you I can be who I want to be – who God wants and knows I can be. You made me lie and deceive those I love and care about. No more! My ego is now my own: loyal; honest; strong enough to admit my faults and wrong doings. From now on I’m not going to freeze or flight. I’m going to fight and not flight – to win.
I said goodbye earlier, but in the spirit of rigorous honesty, fuck you. I can have and keep those in my life without you, since you wanted them out of my life so you could have me all to yourself anyway. Ego, like alcohol, have no control over me because you were one in the same. You have no control.
Later ass wipe.