I just need to get this out and off my chest. I might destroy this entry after I write it…
Yesterday, during a break, we were all joking around and laughing and someone made a joke that if he got a boner at gay porn then that would make him a faggot. (as in a bad thing).
I got offended, yes it’s taken and not given but offended nonetheless. By using that word in such a derogatory way, it hurt on a personal level. I didn’t say anything for two reasons. 1) I didn’t want to make a scene in front of everyone and 2) the guy who said it has a pretty bad temper at times and loves to brag about his time in prison. He brags about the fights, what he’s seen, the fights he’s been in-and-out of prison. “Oh, they fear me in there…” What, so I should fear you too? Bitch. Still, not someone I want to challenge one-on-one, even if his stories seem to be half-truths, at best.
Someone else heard what he said and noticed my change in body language and demeanor. He brought it to the attention of staff and it, pretty quickly, made it’s way to the higher ranks. The guy who said it got talked to and wanted to address the group after the group that last night.
I, personally, was willing to just let it go. It’s just a word after all, until he addressed the group. He calmly went off that his use of the word, if it offended someone, that person should have talked to him directly. Insisted of being a “snitch” and had the emotional state of a grade-schooler. His “apology” was the exact opposite of an apology.
When he continued on with trying to guilt whoever brought it to the attention of staff that he could have been kicked out of rehab, lose his job and maybe even loose his livelihood. Someone else and me actually pushed back, pointing out that no one would be supporting him being the victim if you change two words in his “joke.”
What if he said, “If I get a boner watching black porn then I’d be a faggot.” The shit would have hit the fan. So, why is it okay to use a word in a derogatory way towards one group but not another?
To be honest, I haven’t wanted to drink more in rehab than I do now…