I just finished a group and I want to get this written down with it fresh in my mind. We were going over “hooks” and “mind traps.” It brought up some emotions that explained my defensive wall so I don’t get hurt.
I grew up with a pretty solid family, though sometimes to a fault. I’m the youngest of two kids. Most of the people I know, the youngest child seems to get the most attention (or at least perceived) but not me.
I always remember my parents focus and support for my older sister a lot more than me. She’s the one who got the big, themed birthday parties. She’s the one who got the attention to where I felt abandoned. She’s the one who got to have friends over for sleepovers (if I had friends, they probably would have let me too though). She’s the one who never got in trouble (though I was the more stubborn kid). I’m not saying I had bad parents growing up, not all. I just feel as if I was left in the dust… the shadow of my perfect sister. I felt as if I was left to fend for myself.
This also reminded me of something my mom told me several years ago, when I talked about some of this with her. My mom said that I was able to handle more than my sister so she needed more support than I did.
I do believe my mom thought she was giving me a compliment and building me up, but it made me feel like shit. It made me feel as if my parents cared more about her than me because she got their attention. As if I was on my own and left to fend for myself. Abandoned.
My mom died pretty suddenly about eight months ago and I never got the chance to clear the air with her about it. I think I wrote a bit ago about guilt and shame. This is more about regret, maybe I’ll journal about that later, and I do regret not getting all this out with her in the time we had. Stage three brain cancer can suck my dick, and not in the good way.
Love and miss you, Mom.