I started this journal entry a few times but I couldn’t get the words right. To combat that I started with a lot of reasons why I don’t feel and, while not finished yet, I found that I do feel more than I thought. That can’t be right, I don’t feel without alcohol… right? Then when I finished my homework from Emmer why I don’t feel, why are they all emotional?
This really confused me. Though a few weren’t emotions those same ones were still there to protect me from the emotions caused by them. Am I missing something? Am I trying to protect myself from something? Am I hiding? Who am I?
I’m forced to think I do feel – just not like I expected and/or anticipated. Maybe even more than that, did I just not acknowledge them? Maybe I’m just unable to recognize when I am feeling anymore…
I think the protection aspect is getting used to it but still not showing weakness – being around people but not being acknowledged and that’s fear. How many times have I found myself in a social situation where some try to include me and yet I still get drowned out, my relational story get shunned by someone elses? Doesn’t that mean I’m not really contributing to the conversation? Doesn’t that mean I’m not really a part of the conversation? Doesn’t that mean I’m lacking something?
It seems like what I do feel are “negative” feelings: Fear; embarrassment; anger; guilt; disappointment. Happiness, joy self-worth, confidence they seem to be out of reach, without alcohol. Even if that’s “beer goggles” it’s better than always feeling out of place and awkward.
Happiness, joy, self-worth, confidence – they seem to be out of reach, without alcohol. There are times I do feel empathy or sympathy without alcohol, but even then it feels like maybe I’m being shallow even still?
I’ve also been reading a lot about one’s ego vs one’s true self. True self and I don’t know where I fit. I know where I want to fall, what category I want to be in, an honest but true me.
I guess the answer to the question is more who am I and not why I don’t feel. I seem to cheery pick what I feel as a form of self punishment, but what for?