Progress Reflection in Recovery
Well, I’m not sure where to start since this is an active group session and not just a journal entry. Out of all, my journaling this time around in in-patient, this one has caught me off guard and I’m just supposed to write about my reflection(s) out of the blue and not just some thought I have.
Looking back on this, my second go at recovery, I see a lot of progress. I’ve previously journaled about how I thought I had made great progress the frist go round, maybe I actually did.
This time, however, I’ve vested almost all my free time praying, meditating or journaling. I think that’s the single biggest progress so far, journaling. It has really made a difference in keeping my fears about being here and failing in perspective.
Journaling has put my thoughts, fears, stressors, triggers, worries, etc. onto something tangible, paper and ink, instead of the hamster wheel in my head. I have been able to see and face my feelings and emotions instead of just obsessing about them, or even worse trying to bottle them up.
This time around I’m actually standing up to them and challenging them. I’m being critical of my ego self (false self) and this Mind Trap I’ve clung onto with such stubbornness. I’m doing so I’m actually starting to believe in myself and that the entire world isn’t out to get me and use, what it sees as, weakness.
I have hope… no not hope, faith. Believing that I can live again. Being Christian I’m feeling like when I truly gave myself to God, being born again. Only this time I’m being reborn as a child of God that relies on Him and not alcohol.
My progress, even my first time thought, wasn’t a failure. These are simply the steps, or doors, God put into place – I only need to follow Him and my addiction can be put inoto remission.
My progress so far, still a long way from being done, gives me hope for the future me that I know I can and want to be.
I’ve made some friends along the way that would have never happened if we didn’t come together, bonded by our addictions.
My progress, so far, is going to be seen by others in my actions, but even more importantly, I will see myself without the lies my ego, addict brain and Satan have been telling me, and I’ve been listening to them only to the detriment to myself and my loved ones.
I think I like, soon to love, the sober me. The real me is everything the lies have been convincing me isn’t true, without alcohol.
There’s so much more for me to learn, so much more tools to pick up and put into my toolbox. I just have to want it. I have to work for it. I have to let those who care and love me help and not push them away for false protection. They are a part of my true protection, another tool/resource God has given me that I haven’t picked up yet.
I now see why everyone, except myself, has been telling me I haven’t failed even though I’m back in rehab after only two months. I needed that first go to prepare me for this time through.
I’m filling in the gaps that I missed the first time. I wasn’t prepared the first time to dig so deeply into myself , my true self. I can now stand knowing God, family and friends have my back.
I can trust. I can learn and knowing and believing all this puts a smile on my face, because knowing and believing and doing are all different thing.