Well, I’m going to post my journal entries online. I’ve been thinking, praying and talking about this for a few years now. Resources have been very slim and I finally found and decided to follow through with this.
When I started this journal I had just finished my second time through in-patient treatment for my alcoholism. I can’t help but accept that if just one person can come to realize he/she isn’t alone with this struggle and maybe relate to my experiences it can help that person come to grips/terms/acceptance with the fact that the problem might exist for him/herself. Maybe someone who cares about and/or loves someone who doesn’t see the problem exists might find the inner strength to begin to face it.
I was given the invaluable advice from someone I was in treatment with on my last day there. By this time was long known in the clinic for my relentless writing during every break in-between group and counseling sessions.
I had returned to in-patient treatment after only about three months of my first stay. As hard as it had been coming back so soon, it only took me a few weeks after my first time to realize I wasn’t “all in” and I found any excuse to go back to drinking. Being isolated from the real world and those who I love and care about is hard, especially during the holidays (my first run-through I was there during Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years) but I knew even though I learned so much about myself and my addiction that first time I needed another shot at it and to give it everything I have. That “all in” approach is what compelled me to journal so often during my second chance in-patient stay.
My drug of destruction has always been alcohol. Even though my personality is definitely poised to addiction I never tried anything else beyond pot. I haven’t done anything else nor abused prescriptions. However, an addiction is an addiction and their goal is always the same, to control your life.
In my experience, they start out as a friend. They’re a comfort or just a simple escape from reality like a game, video game, movie, TV show, etc. That just ends up being the initial trap. Soon all those things you enjoyed before, but enjoyed a bit more with the addiction becomes dull and gives no joy without the addiction. Duplicitous jerks. Before you know it, not even the addiction gives any real/or fake joy anymore.
So, maybe this will help someone else struggling with addiction. Maybe it will help someone suffering from someone else’s addiction understand what that person is going through and can be the support that’s needed to help. God knows – so, I’m going to try and do what I can.