Guilt is a hard thing to live with, especially when it’s towards someone you love and care about. Living with that guilt without the crutch you know, like alcohol, is even worse. Where I wouldn’t change or trade my time with my ex-wife for anything, I do wish I didn’t lie to myself and to her for so long about who I am. I was so against being gay that it ended up hurting her and me. The denial was so ingrained in me that all the warning signs were deeply buried away. And there were plenty of signs over the years.
After learning the difference between guilt and shame, I’m really trying to not be ashamed about it. I need to accept the truth and move forward. I need to remember that I was lying to myself first and foremost and that translated to lying to her.
I never meant to hurt her like I ended up doing. I had no, and still don’t have any malice or ill intent towards her and I’m blessed that she’s still a part of my life. Quite the opposite. I still have guilt and I know that I need to let that go but then I feel guilty for thinking I need to let it go. I definitely get stuck in my own head space and yet another rabbit hole.
I have apologized to her and she tells me that it’s OK. But somehow that, in a sense, hurts at least as much. Having her in my life still is such a blessing she has so many justified reasons to hate me. To loath me. To wash her hands of me and remove me from her life forever. Sometimes I wonder if she’s just pretending but then I remember how strong, independent and honest she is. So, if she was pretending I’d know it… very clearly and succinctly.
How do you forgive yourself when you feel guilty about forgiving yourself? I definitely don’t have an answer to that question. Maybe I will some day. Until that happens, however, I need to be honest with those in my life and not use these stressors as an excuse to drink.
I truly think that the stress of and living a lie for 40 years contributed to my addiction but that doesn’t excuse it or what I’ve put her through. Now that I’m aware of that it’s just an excuse I can’t use. I have to be stronger than that, than my addiction and my guilt and shame. Somehow, I think that would be the best apology I could give her.