This is my journal that I wrote during my second attempt at in-patient rehab for being an alcoholic. The time period is spring of 2022. I’m copying these in order so if you want to keep the timeline intact start with the oldest and not the newest post. When I finish copying those pages I might keep posting my continued journal entries if I fell there’s a point to do so.
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Alcohol and Being Gay
This journal entry is not about gay rights or being left, right or center or anything like that. What this is about is being who you are and accepting it. I write that to remind myself. It’s not a reason for my alcohol abuse but I do think it’s one of the excuses for it.…
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What Do I Fear & Why?
There are many types and reasons for fear. Phobias, loneliness, self-preservation, danger, etc. While I think there are common threads to the different reasons for being fearful – we act and/or react differently to each one. A phobia, usually an irrational fear (like me and spiders), can result in the fight, flight or freeze response.…
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*homework*
My Relapse Triggers Emotional: My emotional triggers, “positive” and “negative” come from the same places. Wanting to fit in, ignore the emotions, “kill time,” create false joy, feel like I’m comfortable in social settings, hide my pain and feeling alone. Mental: Like my emotional triggers, my mental triggers are very closely linked. I put meeting…
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Body Language & Addicts
This should be an interesting entry, especially to my ex-wife if she ever ends of reading this. Early on in our friendship, before we were “officially” dating and eventually married, she quickly learned how to read me. She could read me like a book. It would seem like I wear my emotions on my sleeve.…
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Do Addicts Eat? (not Cheetoes or Taco Bell?)
I don’t know how it is, for other alcoholics, but I lost so much weight over the past several years. Yes, a divorce and accepting yourself and the stress, blame, frustration can do that, but damn. I’m a toothpick from what I was. I guess I was either hung over, dehydrated, nauseous, had the shakes,…
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*personal letter shared with the group*
Letter To Myself To myself, my ego, Life has not left you behind – you have. You may have lost your job because of COVID, but you still don’t have a new one because of yourself: self-doubt; fear; anxiety; making a mistake; alcohol. You want to be in control so you can’t get hurt, but…
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Can And Addict Get Excited About Relief?
During this in-patient stay, to get my addiction into remission, I get excited but I also get apprehensive. I know that relief is possible and that’s exciting, but it’s also a scary thought. It’s hard to imagine dealing with life without alcohol. I think it’s stupid that I’ve become so dependent/used to alcohol just to…
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How My Ego Keeps Me Sick
I never thought of Ego as my false self, an illusion or a reflection of my own insecurities. In my mind I’ve always thought if I kept y ego humble and in check it was/is my true self. After reading the hand-out about one’s ego I see how wrong I was, that my ego is…
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Compassion – Strength or Weakness?
I don’t know if there’s a single or simple answer to that question. I think the two categories each have their intwined marits. Strength: When you express/show/demonstrate compassion one could be giving and helpful. The help offered could just be a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. Either way it could save…
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Why I Don’t Feel
I started this journal entry a few times but I couldn’t get the words right. To combat that I started with a lot of reasons why I don’t feel and, while not finished yet, I found that I do feel more than I thought. That can’t be right, I don’t feel without alcohol… right? Then…